This post may piss some people off and if any of my ex-girlfriends were reading this they might tell me to fu#$# off and go to hell!!. They’d also tell me I’m a stubborn AS#$#hole as well. I’d probably agree and take off. I think the phrase “relationships are about a compromise” is a broad over-generalization that can be taken too far. So, let’s break down exactly how this happens.
The 4 Phase of a Relationships that will Self Destruct
The Honeymoon Phase: Boy meets girl. He’s attracted to her, she’s attracted to him. Sparks fly, wild passionate sex goes on for weeks on end and everybody is on cloud 9. It’s off to a seemingly perfect start. The initial spark or chemistry now turns into what is commonly known as the honeymoon phase of any relationship. In this phase the other person can do no wrong and your judgement is not clouded, but non-existent because of your feelings. You generally are walking down the street with an ear to ear goofy grin that makes it obvious to the world around you that you are clearly infatuated or having some seriously good sex. If your life was a Bollywood movie, this would be the time for some song and dance. (I forgot. There’s no sex in Bollywood movies).
Compromise/Making Changes: This is where the problems start. After the honeymoon phase is over, you start to come back to reality and the things that annoy you in anybody will start to annoy you in the person you are dating or in a relationship with. That’s when the idea of compromise and making changes comes into the picture. I’m not as stubborn as this post might make me appear, but I think that compromise is something that needs to be considered carefully. If you find yourself continually making changes in order to please another person, that is in my mind the biggest warning sign that your relationship will eventually self destruct. It become especially dangerous when you start compromising your core values.
What’s really stupid about this, if you are the one trying to change another person, is that you are trying to change a person into what you want them to be, yet it wasn’t what you were necessarily attracted to in the first place. So if you do succeed in getting them to change and then you wonder why the interest or attraction fades, that might have something to do with it. Food for thought.
Resentment: A person will often start to make changes in order to please another person. It’s often done out of fear of being alone (yes I’m speaking through experience). But eventually you make so many changes that you’re longer yourself and you start to resent the other person. All of a sudden this person you were initially infatuated with has turned you into a version of yourself that you’re no longer comfortable with. In a post about letting go of past relationships, Lori at Tiny Buddha talked about this idea of re-connecting with you were outside of the relationship. In my mind, you should never have disconnected with that in the first place. But,I think it’s something you only learn after making this mistake.
The Self-Destruct Mechanism: At this point it’s only a matter of time before the relationship will self destruct. How long this phase will last varies from person to person. In my case it lasted about 8 months. I know what you are thinking. “Srini is out of his damn mind.” If you just realized that, you must be a new reader 
. Why we hang on when we really should let go comes down to something pretty basic. We have a love-hate relationship with attention. I think all people do to some degree. Sure, the relationship is a giant pain in the AS#$#, but we don’t want to be alone and we will do everything we can to make it work even though what we’re doing is trying to force square pegs into round holes. Fortunately as we get older we start to gain a much stronger understanding of self actualization and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. To cover the topic of external validation will require another post entirely (it’s coming, don’t worry), so I won’t go too into detail here. But the root of almost all problems in my mind is that we are dependent on something outside ourselves to complete us.
I’ve been through these 4 phases and I know I’m not alone because I’ve seen friends of mine go through this exact same pattern. So, there you have it. If you find yourself headed down this path, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship.
So true communication and listening is very
important. Very inspiring article.
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