The truth is I’ve been holding back. I give you advice that I find hard to follow myself. I motivate(hopefully) even when I personally have trouble getting motivated, and inspire when I wonder if I’m really that inspired in my own life.
Yesterday I was chatting with Kelly Diels and she encouraged me to write about something I almost hate. It is something I hate thinking about and hate acknowledging that it is is still a part of my life, but it’s there, like a thorn in my side (literally). It is something that has done things to my life that make me think I use it as an excuse.
But, I figured it was time for the truth, a dose of the real me. Considering I wrote a post about the importance of authenticity, I figured it’s time I joined the club.
The Diagnosis I didn’t want to hear:
Three months after I graduated from Berkeley, I found myself in a sales job at a software startup that was ass-backwards (to put it kindly).
Somewhere along the way I’d gotten it in my head that I was meant to be a salesperson. In fact, I thought it was what I was born to do, mostly because a professor in college told me that I had a skill for presentation and selling. If you’ve talked to me, or listened to my podcasts, then you know I’m a people-person and a pretty outgoing guy. Sales seemed a natural fit. Or so I thought.
Shortly after I started that job, I found myself in a somewhat unexplainable discomfort on almost a daily basis. I always had a stomach ache or always felt bloated. I truly felt like the weight of the fucking world was on my shoulders – or, actually, in my gut. So, I went to a doctor – who himself was probably on the verge of death, considering how old he was – and he gave me some medication. That didn’t do shit so I went back and he referred me to a specialist.
I get to the specialist and he says “Yeah, you have irritable bowel syndrome.”
When I asked him what the hell that was, he handed me an informative and completely useless pamphlet. (Needless to say I have my issues with doctors – despite the fact that my sister is going to be one, and many of my closest friends are doctors.) When I asked him how to get rid of it, he said there really was no cure.
Excellent.
The most frustrating thing about a condition to which there is no cure is it’s not going to kill you anytime soon and there is no end in sight. There are moments where you have supremely self-pitying thoughts like “At least if I was dead, it wouldn’t hurt anymore.” Other times, I refused to believe that I couldn’t get rid of this thing and I went off to battle.
What it’s like to have IBS:
If you want to know what this feels like, go eat a bunch of crap that you shouldn’t mix together like pizza, ice cream, coffee, and then wash it down with a glass of vodka and you’ll get a dose of what it can be like on a daily basis. I think we all know what I’m talking about.
Even if you don’t eat any of that stuff, stress can trigger it. How do I cope? Don’t get me started. The whole world of dietary recommendations is just a mess to which there is no end. The worst part is that it goes away when you sleep, so the only thing a doctor will tell you is that there is nothing wrong with you. So that should give you an idea of why my sales career was flushed down the toilet before it even started.
Sales? Stress. Stress? IBS.
Lifestyle Changes? Yeah Right
I was 23 at the time of diagnosis and the doctors recommended not drinking, not partying, or any of that. It was like “I know you’re 23, but I think the best thing you can do is just not have fun.” So, I didn’t bother with the lifestyle changes. I wanted to hang out with my friends, experience life, and live it to the fullest. And I paid for that.
Hitting your low point:
Everybody experiences a point in their life at which they reach their ultimate low. After almost a year at my first job, a 20% pay cut and no sign of a commission check despite being a top performer I was fired 5 days before Christmas. One friend who had his goodbye lunch that same day says I stole his thunder. Apparently complaining about not getting paid a commission check was unacceptable. It had easily been the worst year of my life and I was off to Vegas to celebrate just how bad it had been. Dec 30th I found myself at rumjungle in the Mandalay Bay, a place I think I will hate for the rest of my life given the experiences I’ve had there. I guess the cocktail waitress cleavage is a somewhat redeeming quality of this place. After losing count of my vodka and redbulls, I found myself kicked out of a club, with no credit card(because I opened a tab), a lost phone, on the floor of a bathroom stall in Vegas. I can’t think of another moment in my life where I’ve felt worse. It was really the low point. It was the conclusion of a truly awful year.
The Uphill Career Battle, ADHD and the belief that has kept me going
My career track record is less than stellar.
After the unceremonious, traumatic end to my first job, I didn’t give up on sales. No, I embraced the punishment and took several more jobs in sales even though – looking back – I didn’t enjoy them.
It’s been said that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.
So, basically, I was crazy.
One boss chained me to a desk because he didn’t want me interacting with clients. Not exactly a vote of confidence, but I knew where this was coming from. IBS takes your energy level down to a level where you are always tired, uncomfortable, and you come across like you can’t sit still.
Another boss told me I wasn’t cut out for sales. (One day I’d like to write a bestselling book and send it to him via Fedex with a note saying “You were right. I’m not cut out for sales. Thank you so much!”)
When I finally did get out of sales, I found myself unable to focus. I mean really, really, really unable to focus, like what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-me?? unable to focus.
It was then that I discovered that I had ADHD that had gone untreated for years.
This made sense. My previously inexplicable 2.97 GPA – at a college that is known to be one of the best schools in the world – became clear. It was not because I didn’t study, it was not because I’m not smart, it was because I struggle to focus on anything for more than about thirty minutes at a time.
There are exceptions. There always are. The one exception to that rule is that anything I love and find interesting consumes me and extinguish the thirty minute rule. For me that exception is writing and speaking about what we are really capable of.
It’s a blessing if you can learn to control it and a curse if you can’t.
Apparently people with ADHD operate at a capacity that’s very different than the average person. If they love something they can have a laserlike focus that most people can’t rival, or they have absolutely no focus. The average person operates at 75% of their capacity in day-to-day life, while a person with ADHD functions at 20% or 100%. We get no in-between. It’s all or nothing with us.
The one Belief that has kept me going:
I told a good friend once “Ordinary lives are for ordinary people. I was never meant for that. My life is supposed to be extraordinary.”
I believe we all have a gift, something we were put on this earth to do. Whatever my gift is, I know that part of it involves being extraordinary. Maybe being extraordinary means being different. Maybe it means carving out my own path instead of raveling along what others – including myself, sometimes – think is the safe, appropriate, predictable road.
Pension Plans, promotions, and a guaranteed place on the corporate ladder without an opportunity to imagine and build an empire sounds like a prison sentence where I’m the warden and caging the brightest birds.
Just writing this gives me chills.
On the one hand, if I push publish, I may be committing career suicide, since a prospective employer might read this and think I’m nothing but trouble.
On the other hand, I might find exactly what I’m looking for and be propelled into the stratosphere.
I’m going to go with the latter.
Surfing has saved my life:
Rumor has it that surfing has ruined my life. One of my good friends – who got me interested in the sport, in the first place - told me that he heard from someone close to me that they thought surfing was ruining my life. In all reality I spent ungodly amounts of time in the water this past summer. 6 hour sessions are not really normal. Part of me wonders if I swim out there to forget, or to run away from it all. Either way, it was beginning to look like it was taking over, so somebody decided to tell a friend they thought it might be ruining my life. I had a good laugh at that. Seriously, what were they going to do, have an intervention with me?
While the adrenaline rush, the endorphin release, and the overall feeling of being stoked got me addicted to the sport, what made me stick with it was the fact that after I started surfing, IBS started to lose its hold over me. This is not a coincidence.Feeling light, free, and full of life – the way I was when I was 22 - is incomparable.
Within the first week of my recent job I started to have a relapse of IBS. Considering the story above, it’s not like I’d survive it this time. I’m not 23 and the body has its limits. If stayed in the job it might have been a death sentence. So, yeah I walked away from a job, I have no idea how it’s going to turn out. I’m not here to tell you how this is going to end.
I’m here to tell you how it’s going to begin.
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, for someone with ADHD, you can write a long and captivating post. I kind of identified myself with some of the the things you say here. Not the facts in themselves, but rather the emotions, the patterns. And I’m experiencing myself how constructive and rational beliefs can pull you out if this stuff. Good luck in your journey.
Eduard
Thanks Eduard. Writing about this was something that scared me a bit. What I’ve realized is that ADHD people have an ability to leverage the power of flow states because when we get into a zone, we can work like a machine on getting our ideas out there and following through.
Excellent story Srinivas. Sometimes one of the most difficult things to do is quit, especially when everyone in the office tends to look down on quitters, deriding them by saying they weren’t cut out for the job. My former boss when I was a consultant was fond of calling the people who left my firm “losers.”
Despite the fact that it might not be in alignment with your passion, you press on, hoping that you can prove yourself as one of the winners.
We are raised in a society that looks down upon quitters. Quitting, however, can be a really good thing. It’s stories like yours that prove it.
Thanks for sharing it with us.
Hiya! I’m kinda new to your blog and just wanted to say that I really enjoy it – you have a unique (in the good sense) way of discussing personal development in a ‘normal person’ way.
I totally understand your problems with IBS – I’ve suffered with it since my early teens and I know how bad it can get. I have honestly found that the best way is to reduce my stress levels by filling my time with the things that I enjoy doing passionately – like you do with your surfing.
Only stressful thing then is trying to find something to live off!
Kenji: Thanks for the supporting words. I think it’s interesting to take the spin you have on quitting. Quitting to pursue your real passion makes you about as far from a loser as it gets. In fact it makes me want to write a post called “Why real winners aren’t afraid to quit.”
Hi Sarah: Glad you are enjoying my blog. I definitely have found that finding a way to occupy your mind with other things can really take away from the debilitating nature of IBS.
Srinivas,
I agree you completely. Too often quitting becomes equated with giving up. Nothing could be further from the truth. That would be a good article, by the way.
Srini, your post – and these comments – remind me of an aphorism that says self sabotage is a gift if the self you’re sabotaging is not authentic.
I think that’s fancy talk for “you, more than anyone else, will absolutely make sure not to succeed at stuff you hate”.
I’m so glad you wrote and published this. When I read self-help/personal development sites, what seduces me are people confronting the hard stuff, sometimes in real-time.
That’s courage. That’s inspiring. That’s NOT cotton candy. That’s the stuff of life and the things I learn from. Like this. Exactly like this.
@Kelly
I never did like cotton candy.
Hi Srini,
These are the things that makes you who you are. Like Zeenat would say, you have more gems in your treasure chest now.
Just like we can’t choose our parents, we can’t choose our diseases or limitations. Having MS has forced me to consider new options and, honestly, forced me to grow in ways I didn’t even knew existed prior to my diagnosis.
I’m not saying having disease is fun and exciting, but we simply must deal with it the best way we can. Surfing is a great outlet, bring it on, brother! Shaka that!
(And, agreed, Kelly, cotton candy sucks!)
@Kelly: Thanks for encouraging me to write and post this. You’ve kind of taught me to embrace and accept some of things in my life that I don’t really look upon fondly, but realize they are part of who I am.
@Lori: Thanks for the comment. When I was thinking about this post on my drive back to my parents house today I was thinking about Steve jobs graduation speech@Stanford and how the dots always connect, but only when you’ve connected them altogether. When you are in the process it seems like a puzzle with pieces that don’t seem to fit.
Hey, Srinivas! This is a great post, and I’m glad you decided to put it out there. Trying to hold it all inside can be even worse for your health. It sounds like, if your condition has led you away from jobs you hate and towards a more authentic life (including surfing) then this is definitely a case of a blessing in disguise.
Most of us who live with “blessings in disguise” would just as soon NOT have them but, since that’s not an option (as Lori pointed out), I guess the next best thing is to focus on the blessing part.
As an aside, I love the idea of a surfing intervention!
@Lisis: Thanks. Yeah part of me wonders if everything I’ve been holding inside is what has been weighing me down. Regarding a blessing in disguise, If I didn’t have IBS I probably would have never stuck with surfing, since I’d never really stuck with any other sports.
Regarding, the surfing intervention, when I heard somebody say they though it might be ruining my life, I nearly lost it, and then I realized (that’s not very surfer like). So, instead I wrote about it
Dude… It takes me 45 minutes to 90 minutes of staring at the water before I go in.
Then I’m in until I’m a popsicle and can’t even pop up. 3,4,5 hours, no problem.
Welcome to the world of the professionally unemployable. Our inability to “front” coupled with our ability to Get Stuff Done makes us increasingly unpopular with the Smoke and Mirrors brigade.
Dave: I love it. That’s the true addiction to the stoke. And yeah, the smoke and mirrors brigade will really never understand us. Regarding, the popsicle ,that is probably why I never got into surfing when I lived in NorCal.
Hello. I completely empathise with your thoughts and experience, at least on the IBS side of life. I think readers truly respond to the authenticity in your post about this. I also finally got up the guts to write about it earlier this year, particularly the challenges in a developing country so that others may feel compelled to give it a go and not let fear rule. I just included a link in that post to this so they may get more insights. The best thing we can do for those with IBS is to talk about it, write about it, demystify it so that the taboo is lifted and everyone can just relax! Being in Ghana certainly helped me with that. You can read about it here if you’re interested http://gisforghana.blogspot.com/2009/08/managing-ibs-irritable-bowel-in-ghana.html All the best, Gayle. And I’ll be following this fantastic blog too!
Dude…I totally feel you here. Though some of the details are different for me (engineering degree, job at “dream company x” in “dream country y,” arrhythmia vs IBS), I definitely took my fall and am still uneasily trying to stand back up.
Two of the things mentioned above stood out to me.
1)Doing the same thing, the same way over and over yields the same results. Maybe, in a way, the recession is a chance for all of us to just take a moment and think rather than diving headlong into the wrong thing again.
2) Your IBS thing (and my arrhythmia) was definitely a huge sign that something was wrong. I know a lot of people back in “dream country y” who tried to mask these things by using medication and whatnot, but…when you have to start popping pills to keep working and you’re only in your mid-20s, you gotta know something is wrong.
You mentioned Berkeley…did you graduate from Haas? Was that a good experience for you? I ask because I’m applying to some b-schools myself.
Take care, man.
Ugh. Amen.
This post summed up my entire life so far. I just… man. No words are coming. I feel you on the ADHD, and what’s weird is that even reading posts like this kicks my ADHD into high gear. I get way overstimulated and then open 28 tabs in my browser on the topic, then realize I can’t read them all so I just walk away and eat a cookie. Then I go film something. Maybe next week I’ll get to the tabs, seriously.
Thank you. THANK YOU.
Tyler Hayes´s last blog ..Explaining the Constant Depression of a Millenial Futurist
Almost all docs are morons when in it comes to IBS. I have had it severe for 10 years now. I had to find out everything for myself.This site has some info. that can really help especially for people with mild-moderate symtoms.
htpp://www.helpforibs.com
Take care.
This post was a real eye opener for me. Not so long ago I never would have believed that anyone could have had similar experiences to me.
I am 23 years old and in my third year of an undergraduate course. I have had either top marks or barely a pass and nothing much in between. It has been the same story my whole life. Every teacher I have ever had has said that I am a paradox, really capable but consistently unable to focus and deliver the work. I am a very logical person and have overcome a lot of these issues (usually when it is too late) but the more pressure and responsibility rises, the worse it gets, so each successive stage of education has presented me with a whole new level of challenges.
I was (not)diagnosed with IBS when I was 16 because the doctor was useless but it didn’t matter because for the first time in my life I know why I was sick almost every day at school and collapsed in pain with stomach cramps for as long as I could remember. This meant that every time I couldn’t focus on school/college/uni work, I had no choice but to block it out because otherwise the stress of it would set my IBS off. I have spent years of my life drifting from distraction to distraction, sleep to tv, never realising that there was anything I could do to help myself face the work I couldn’t do.
Then yesterday my mum calls and tells me to look at this site on ADHD: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm
It was incredible. I highlighted everything that seemed to fit me and more of the page was highlighted than not. I called my mum back and she told me that she had done the same thing. She had reached the age of 53 having drifted from thing to thing feeling as though there was something wrong with her. She has now started to follow the self help guide section of the website and is hopeful of gaining some control over her own life for the first time.
I am happy that she has found a practical use for the label and the website but I just don’t know what it means for me yet. It feels silly. It feels like an excuse. All I have are questions that in all likely hood can only be answered with time: Now I know this, how do I attempt to integrate it into my own sense of self?; Should I integrate it into my sense of self or should I just use what I can and ignore the rest?; Now I have a label and strategies for overcoming my obstacles, will every future failure be my completely fault?; Do I need to be diagnosed for this discovery to help me?; What if the doctor isn’t helpful?; What if they say it’s not ADHD?… The list goes on.
I have made an appointment with the doctor and I am looking at using some of the organisational techniques on the website but it all just seems a bit too much… Just because I now have a label it doesn’t change the fact that all I want to do is go to bed and shut out the chaos of it all.
Sorry to put a downer on your positive post. I guess it’s just been an odd 24 hours for me. I find your positive outlook inspirational and I no longer feel alone, Thank You!!!!
ps. “Ordinary lives are for ordinary people. I was never meant for that. My life is supposed to be extraordinary.”… Truer words were never spoken… I have said something similar to myself often, I just hope I can live up to it.