Settling vs Settling Down | Riding the Waves of Personal Development

Settling vs Settling Down

Written on July 12, 2010 by Srinivas in Uncategorized

4469243936 671b576618 Settling vs Settling Down

In the last few weeks I think I’ve received what seem like half a dozen announcements of friends having babies, friends getting engaged and friends getting married. When I told my dad about all this, we got off on a tangent about my own situation, which resulted in my discovery of the 3 hidden dangers of the herd mentality. The idea for this post had been brewing since then, but the words were taking some time to come to me.

Settling vs Setting Down

Far too often in life, I think people fail to make the distinction between settling and settling down. I’m going to go out on a limb and say more people actually settle than settle down. There are of course those who are smart enough to understand that difference and in my mind those are the people that have happy and successful lives.

Settling vs Settling Down in Your Career

I’ve seen alot of people settle for less than what they want in the last year. I was almost one of them. There’s no doubt that the economy has forced people into less than ideal job situations and I can respect that not everybody can easily walk away from a job in two weeks. But, what’s the long term cost of this? If had stayed at the job I hated, within a month I would have been fired and I would have been writing a different blog post and living a different life today.

Signs of Settling:

I hate this job, but it pays the bills
It’s not the ideal job, but I’ll take it
I don’t like what I’m doing, but the money justifies it
This is the lesser of all evils
I can take this job and look for something else in the mean time

Signs of Settling Down:

I love this job
I love what I do here and the money is just an added bonus
This job gives me an opportunity to express myself creatively
The idea of doing this for the next 5 years really excites me
I’m not really thinking too far ahead and I’m really present when I do this work

Settling vs Settling Down in Relationships
When I look back at the two relationships I had, in one I settled for my first girlfriend so I could experience a relationship. I settled for my second girlfriend by putting up with things that I would never want in a relationship. Settling in relationships is a dangerous place to be. When you settle in a relationship you potentially fu#$# up two people’s lives, yours and the person you settled for. It’s not fair to you or them. So, I’ve vowed to myself that this is one area of my life where I WILL NEVER SETTLE.

Signs of Settling

This is the best that I can do
This is significantly better than my last relationship so I shouldn’t complain
It’s been a long time since I’ve connected with anybody
Well, I’m x age and if I don’t make this work I’m going to be to old (this one is quite popular)
etc, etc,

Signs of Settling Down

I feel amazing about this
I feel truly blessed to have this person
I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with this person
I wake up everyday grateful to have this person next to me
This is what I truly want

Waking up from the Matrix and Realizing What’s Possible

Once you have broken free from the chains of the matrix and come to terms with the many signs that the matrix has you, then you enter another one of the phases of the personal development journey, that I may not have touched on. You realize what’s possible. Once you realize what’s possible there’s no going back. So it’s enlightening and terrifying all at the same time. You see that it’s possible to shape your life the way you see fit and anything less is unacceptable.

It’s in this moment that settling is no longer an option. I encourage you to give some thought to where you have settled in your life. It might be a bit disturbing at first and you may have made some uncorrectable mistakes. Don’t worry about that. Instead, work on a future where you will not settle. What have been your experiences with this?

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Colin

Hi Srini,

This is a really interesting post and definitely makes you think. It's so easy to find a safe, comfort zone that you are too scared to venture out of for the fear of not being able to return to that comfort zone if all fails. As a result one can effectively box themselves in to the one job/relationship with the mindset of "it could be worse".

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Roseann

In relationships, I have never settled. I've gone on dates with the attitude that if it doesn't work out, I will have another friend, and I do have some great friends as a result of that! I've only been in serious relationships if I was in love, or at least, thought I was. Unfortunately, one marriage ended because I expected the person to change. It was disastrous. That can be a kind of "settling".
I got married again, loved him for who he was, and vice versa, and the marriage was amazing. I didn't settle, but settled down. Unfortunately, I'm now a widow. I don't know if I'll ever have anything like that in my life again, but I'm so lucky to have had that kind of love in my life! I wouldn't settle for anything less than love in a relationship. It's the only thing that keeps people together when things get tough!

I do have to settle in my job, though. I have to pay the bills, because nobody else can do that for me. It does feel like a noose around my neck. I am looking for something new that fits me, though. I also plan to go back to school to change my career path. I consider my present job situation to be a temporary, uncomfortable necessity and look forward to having a career that will make me happy. At 54, I'm not sure what I want to do when I grow up! I've been trying to pinpoint what i HYPERFOCUS on as someone with ADHD, to give me a clue. I'm learning!
Take Care!
Roseann

Kasie Okoro

Hey Srini, great post. I have to say, this one really resonated with me because sometimes I find myself settling when picking a career and relationships. Neither is good because I'm ultimately getting less than I deserve. It's easy to take a job because it is there and have the idea of using it as a placeholder. In fact, I'd rather have some money coming in than none. So, I don't think that taking something that you don't completely love in the mean time doesn't necessarily have to be a COMPLETELY BAD thing. But, in terms of relationships, I totally see your point..Good stuff!

srinirao

Kasie,

I think when it comes to careers people you and the graduating class from this year have been put in challenging positions. Like you said, it's nice to have money coming in rather than nothing, but on the flip side of that your ability to reach your full potential decreases when you go down that route. Food for thought. In relationships, I'm 100% about not settling.

Grace

I'm going to go out on a limb that you can go to the extreme either way. I've known people who are so vehemently against settling down and always challenging themselves to the point that they lose the forest for the trees i.e. where nothing is ever good enough i.e. relationship, job, family etc. Then there's the other extreme where settling is easy because it is the path of least resistence, no drama, but may be without passion and depth. I guess the middle ground is what most people struggle with i.e. when to bail out of a relationship because you believe things can change (right, like pigs can fly - just kidding - I think?) or staying in a crap job because you need to pay the bills and feed the family at all costs. There were so many times in my internship and residency that were just unbearable, but ultimately I had to make the decision that there was a method to the madness and there indeed was an amazing rainbow at the end of the tunnel. I believe it ultimately boils down to what allows you to be the master of your own destiny and truly happy. But I digress.... Just my 2 cents :)

Grace,
I would agree that people tend to go both extremes. Ultimately, I think people who settle have more or less given up. Of course it's not easy to go down the route I'm advocating here, but I Think that the truly fulfilled happy people take this road. It's about short term sacrifice for long term gain.

Mars Dorian

Interesting comparisons, Srini,

settling is really a disease that originates from laziness. I admit it happened many times to me, but I always found a way to get out of it. It takes daily practice, and a clear focus to make today better than yesterday.

The successful people I know never settle - they keep challenging themselves.
.-= Mars Dorian´s last blog ..How to Build a Digital Killer Brand in 6 steps =-.

Yeah, it is definitely a byproduct of laziness to some degree. I always just accepted the situation as is in previous jobs and relationships. I was operating form a fear of loss which is really not healthy.

John Soares

Excellent ideas here -- you've got me thinking.

For me, though, it's not always that easy to identify the ideal job or the life partner. I'm concerned sometimes that I think I've found the ideal situation or person, but perhaps I'm subconsciously settling.
.-= John Soares´s last blog ..Free Podcast Interviews With Successful Bloggers =-.

John,
It's definitely not the easiest thing to figure out. I think if it was we'd all have it down perfectly. I think I've found myself in a similar situation to you at times. I wouldn't beat yourself up so much about it but instead just try to be more conscious of it.

I just spend the last three days hiking in the mountains west of Mount Shasta (I left shortly after leaving my comment) and I find that going off alone in nature really helps me to get clear on what's happening in my life and what I really want -- which is really the whole "being conscious" thing for me.
.-= John Soares´s last blog ..Free Podcast Interviews With Successful Bloggers =-.