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Generation Y Realizes Corporate America is a “Hell Hole”

This is a spin-off of an article from The Onion about a mass exodus from New York City. The original post can be found here.

Yesterday marked Generation Y’s mass exodus from corporate America, leaving millions of companies detrimentally short staffed. As a result of the country’s economic state, dead-end job positions and pitiful salaries, Gen Y has collectively left their entry-level job positions.

“I’m so freaking sick of sitting at my desk, getting early-onset carpal tunnel syndrome and not leaving the office until nine o‘clock at night,” said John Jefferson, a 2009 graduate who has been working in an accounting firm for the past year and a half. “I’m going to wake up one day, be 65 and wonder where the hell my life went.”

Jefferson is the brain-child behind the collective revolt against the “9-5 corporate Hell hole” he claims is sucking the life out of 20-something’s everywhere. With social media outlets such as Twitter, Jefferson has successfully convinced corporate “nobodies,” ranging from ages 22 to 26, to quit their jobs.

“If you have a job you love then fine, but I don’t see what there’s to love about plugging numbers into spread sheets, cold-calling, and kissing your boss’s ass,” Jefferson said. “Screw the corporate ladder. I’d rather be living out of a cardboard box with pet rats than worrying about being promoted to do even more ass kissing.”

The Gen Y revolutionaries made the announcement yesterday with a public manifesto, listing their grievances. An excerpt from the manifesto states: “We will not be publicly humiliated for making your coffee with whole milk instead of soy. We will not sit in cubes that are too small to extend both arms. We will not stare at computer screens for 11 hours a day, perpetuating premature eye cataracts. We will not sit back and watch another 12 year old make millions from inventing a new iPhone app.”

As for the thousands of college grads who have been struggling to seek employment, Jefferson claims, “They knew what they were doing. They’re chilling at home, eating three home-cooked meals a day — parents these days won’t force anything on their kids.” Now, Jefferson says, is the perfect time for these grads to jump on the bandwagon. And they are.

Thomas Adams, who graduated in 2008 and has been living at home mowing lawns for the past two years, says he won’t apply as a replacement to the millions of open job positions.

“I can’t turn against my own peers. I’m not a slimeball,” Adams said. “I mean, we have to stick together — what else is Facebook for?”

Jefferson is encouraging his followers to pursue entrepreneurial ideas and be their own boss. He wants freedom for himself and the rest of his generation, and most of all, he doesn’t want to start living his life after it’s too late.

“I’m 25 years old! I should be seeing the world, learning new hobbies, hitting on girls,” Jefferson said. “The only girl I see is the lady who does my dry cleaning.”

So what will Jefferson do now? “I’ll probably move to the Philippines or something… become a professional blogger.”

As for the millions of companies looking to fill the entry-level positions, it’s been reported that an estimated 100,000 virtual assistants from India have already been hired.

Shannon Whitehead is a 25-year-old start-up entrepreneur, pursuing fair trade apparel in Central America. To read more about her own revolution, visit www.allofusrevolution.com.

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